I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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