Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
