I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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