Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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