He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
