I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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