I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Please, let me fuck your mom
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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