Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
