Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
