There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
