Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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