Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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