just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
All I want is dick and wine.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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