My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
