It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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