When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
