just tell him i said nine months
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I pour the whiskey from now on
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
