i just wanna soil my oats bro
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My vagina just recognized that song.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
