just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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