youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I looked at my own cervix.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
