she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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