you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
