Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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