so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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