I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
