**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She tied me up with her honor cords...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
