so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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