now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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