Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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