We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He better not be in your backpack
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
