Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
