I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
