): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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