he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I AM VODKA MAN
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
