and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
