I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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