I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Who died my cat blue again?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
