stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
