I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
