I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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