i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
