I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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