Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
