No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
