There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
