She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
