I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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