It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
