my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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