My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
