she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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