There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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