I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize