Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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