If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
