broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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