i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize