AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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