Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
