im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
