two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
