if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize