I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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